Satan writes Pat Robertson a Letter

I know I usually do book reviews but this piece about Robertson’s latest gaffe is too good not to post.  It has some literary references, after all.  Plus both Luther and Lewis commend mockery to push back the Devil.  Sorry about the biting ending. What do you think?

Published in the Minneapolis Star Tribune:

Dear Pat Robertson,

I know that you know that all press is good press,
so I appreciate the shout-out. And you make God look like a big mean
bully who kicks people when they are down, so I’m all over that action.

But when you say that Haiti has made a pact with me, it is
totally humiliating. I may be evil incarnate, but I’m no welcher. The
way you put it, making a deal with me leaves folks desperate and

Sure, in the afterlife, but when I strike bargains with
people, they first get something here on earth — glamour, beauty,
talent, wealth, fame, glory, a golden fiddle. Those Haitians have
nothing, and I mean nothing. And that was before the earthquake.
Haven’t you seen “Crossroads”? Or “Damn Yankees”?

If I had a thing going with Haiti, there’d be lots of
banks, skyscrapers, SUVs, exclusive night clubs, Botox — that kind of
thing. An 80 percent poverty rate is so not my style. Nothing against
it — I’m just saying: Not how I roll.

You’re doing great work,
Pat, and I don’t want to clip your wings — just, come on, you’re
making me look bad. And not the good kind of bad. Keep blaming God.
That’s working. But leave me out of it, please. Or we may need to
renegotiate your own contract.

Best, Satan

7 thoughts on “Satan writes Pat Robertson a Letter

  1. Wow. It did grieve me when I heard on the internet what Robertson said and watched the interview. I was thankful that after the clip of him, the news broadcaster I saw also interviewed another Christian pastor who was level headed and well spoken.
    This letter reminds me a lot of the recently released version of the Screwtape Letters by Focus on the Family. At the outset of the recording, the narrator says that sometimes Satan tells the truth and sometimes he lies. This letter is like that to me. The only comment that makes me sad in the letter is the comment about Pat doing great work. As much as I may disagree with what he said, it doesn’t feel right to say that.

  2. I love good satire. And this is GREAT satire. In the spirit of satire, condemning a characterization of Pat Roberston seems okay to me. However, I agree with Suzanne that we need to be careful to remember the character Pat Roberston (here the object of satire who has been reduced to a certain kind of mistake he makes) is not the same as Pat Robertson the person.
    But oh my goodness. This is hilarious, biting, poignant satire.

  3. Very funny. My only criticism is that the Tribune link took me to a phony anti-virus site that was rather insistent about downloading its software.

  4. Good letter, but I am sure you remember that in commending the gentle slope into Hell Screwtape says it is top style points for a devil to tempt a man to sin and give him Nothing in return. You are writing as the devil’s press agent would. The devil himself would love to make a pact with the downtrodden and make them more wretched still–as long as they don’t repent.
    I also must disagree with Marcus and Suzanne. If Pat had an illicit sex partner his devoted followers would drop him flat. But he can say horrible things that have no point whatever (that would be Pride–Satan’s favorite sin) and Christians will say, “Don’t condemn him.” CS Lewis says in Mere Christianity that lust is a flea bite compared to Pride.
    Pat Robertson condemned people who have no voice for no reason except to hear himself talk. He makes me nostalgic for Jim Bakker.

  5. Since Satan is a liar and a deceiver, it does not surprise me that in his letter he pretends that affluence is his only “style”. He is the author of misery and poverty as well. He is a tormenting spirit, and those who have wealth and those who don’t are equally his prey. Since I have not been given the ministry of judging others, I can’t speak for or against Pat.

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